Stepping In, Stepping Back

Adapting is part of learning.

On the flipside, inflexible people walk a hard path. They can’t adapt to difficulties and are frequently derailed by change. Stress knocks them off balance. Disorganization and chaos often gain the upper hand , and recovering from traumatic experiences can seem impossible.

An important part of parenting is helping our children stock the tool set they’ll use throughout life, and adaptability is one of the most important pieces. In the early years of life, your child’s brain is growing at an incredible rate, creating synaptic roadmaps that can guide her behavior for the rest of her life.

From day one, how we act with our children is profoundly important. Their earliest relationships are integrated into who they become. This means we have to think critically about striking the proper balance between doing for them, and giving them the space to do for themselves.

She’s not doing it wrong. She’s doing it her way.

The coloring book is open to a page showing a silly duck floating happily on a calm pond. Your child has an orange crayon in her hand, but she doesn’t go for the duck’s bill or the smiling sun. Instead, she begins shading the water, filling the pond with swirls of orange.

Is it your job to correct the “error” and tell her that water isn’t orange, or should you celebrate her artistic vision? Maybe it’s possible that this quiet, tiny moment isn’t a failure or a masterpiece. Perhaps it’s simply a child exploring herself and her world.

Emerging science in early childhood development indicates that intrusive parenting in the early years may be lead to negative outcomes later in life. During this period, important changes are taking place, like your child’s growing ability to self-regulate her behavior. So-called helicopter parents may be undermining the development of their child’s coping skills and squashing their earliest manifestations of independence.

Practice patience.

Our coloring book example may not seem momentous, but it’s a typical example of how we, as parents, wrestle with the balance of stepping in versus stepping back. She wants to pour the milk on her cereal but we know most of it will wind up on the table. She wants to help sweep the floor, but using the dustpan isn’t really in her skill set yet. She wants to pick out and put on her shoes, but you’re already late as it is.

While there’s no right answer that applies to all of these circumstances, there is a bit of useful theory that can lead to the best possible approach to parenting.

When things go off the rails, remember to model effective coping skills and show your child how being adaptable helps to solve problems. Be there with support and encouragement when your child encounters difficulty, showing that you believe in her. Allow her time to get her head around manageable, age-appropriate stressors. In some cases, it may be best to let her fail a few times. Chances are, she’ll conquer the challenge herself. If she begins to get overwhelmed, you’ll be there to step in with gentle, guiding assistance.

And through it all, always be open to her signals. You know your child better than anyone does and you’re aware of the limits of her patience and attention. Sometimes it’s necessary to help her tie her shoes and get out the door on time, but sometimes it’s best to give her time for trial and error. She’ll get there eventually, and learning the value of her own efforts will boost her social and emotional skills. With you on her team, she’s bound to succeed.